LONG LOST STRANGER

AS ANOTHER EPISODE OF THIS THING I CALL MY LIFE WAS WINDING DOWN FOR THE DAY, ANOTHER INCONSISTANT BUT YET FAMILIAR PERSON RANG MY PHONE TONIGHT. INCONSISTANT IN THE WAY WE KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ONE ANOTHER AND YET FAMILIAR B/C WE ARE COOL AND I REALLY DO HAVE A STRONG ADMIRATION FOR THIS PERSON. THINKING ABOUT WHEN THE LAST TIME WE HAD SPOKE WHICH HAD BEEN A MONTH OR 2 IT WAS ABOUT DUE TIME THAT OUR PATHS ONCE AGAIN CROSSED. BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT HIS INTERACTIONS WITH ME, WE HAVE KNOWN ONE ANOTHER FOR SIX YEARS...DAMN THAT REALLY JUST HIT ME, SIX DAMN YEARS...

WHERE DO I BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS PERSON. I CAN SAY THAT I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A STRONG ATTRACTION FOR HIM EVER SINCE I MET HIM THAT DAY AT MC DONALDS, BUT ALWAYS HAD THIS FEELING WITHIN ME LIKE THE FEELING WAS NOT MUTUAL. YEARS LATER I WOULD FIND THAT TO BE DIFFERENT. BUT I DO REMEMBER THAT DAY IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE MCDONALDS OFF THE GARDEN STATE PARWAY IN UNION LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. THE YEAR WAS 99 AND I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO EXPLORE THIS WHOLE GAY PART OF MY LIFE FULLY, OTHER THAN JUST MESSING WITH ONE OF MY OLD FRIENDS FROM CHILDHOOD. I REMEMBER HIM STEPPIN OUTTA THE CAR LOOKIN GOOD AS HE WANTED TO LOOK, LITE SKIN, 5'10 BOUT 155LBS OR SO JUST CUTE AS HELL..NEEDLESS TO SAY I WANTED TO JUMP HIS BONES IN THE PARKING LOT. WE ENGAGED IN BRIEF CONVO BECAUSE THIS WAS OUR INITIAL MEETING, AND I LEFT THAT ENCOUNTER FEELING UNSATISFIED. LIKE DAMN, I JUST KNOW HE IS NOT INTO ME THE WAY I AM FEELING HIM RIGHT NOW. THAT WAS IN MARCH OF THAT YEAR.

AFTER THAT MEETING WE NEVER MET UP AGAIN FOR A FEW MONTHS LATER, PERHAPS JUNE OR JULY. DURING THAT TIME I CALLED HIM, OF COURSE MORE THAN HE CALLED ME. ONLY TO BE GREETED WITH THE TONE OF LIKE OK, WHAT DO YOU WANT. YOU KNOW THE TONE YOU GIVE PEOPLE THAT YOU REALLY DONT WANT TO TALK TO.

SO FASTFORWARD TO JUNE/JULY...HE CALLED AND ACTUALLY WANTED TO HANG WIT ME...TRUST ME I WAS EXTATIC!! THIS BOY THAT I LUSTED AFTER AND WANTED TO BE MINE ACTUALLY WANTED TO HANG WIT ME...BUT AS ALWAYS THERE WAS A TWIST. WE HANG OUT BUT IT IS WITH ONE OF HIS FRIENDS COMES ALONG. AND IT WAS A DAMN GIRL AT THAT! I WAS MAD, I WANTED TO BE ALONE WITH HIM, FOR HIM TO SPEND TIME WITH JUST ME! OUR MEETING WAS BITTERSWEET AS SOME WOULD SAY. BUT THE EVENTS OF THAT MEETING LEFT ME FEELING FAR WORSE THAN EVER....WE SMOKED SOME WEED AND DROVE AROUND TOWN IN MY CAR, AND HE ASKED ME WAS I READY? I WAS LIKE READY FOR WHAT? HE WAS LIKE TO HAVE SEX...I WAS LIKE WHERE...HE SAID HERE IN THE CAR...RELUCTANTLY I DID IT, B/C I THOUGHT MAYBE HE WOULD LIKE ME IF I DID.....DAMN I SOUND LIKE A BITCH SAYING THAT, LOL....BUT AFTER I FELT SO USED B/C I FOUND OUT HE HAD A BOYFRIEND AND I JUST HAD SEX WITH HIM INFRONT OF HIS FRIEND, AND A GIRL NON THE LESS AND IN MY DAMN CAR DRIVING AROUND!!!!! I FELT SO USED AND DISGUSTING!

I THINK FOR ME THAT SET THE TONE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP..I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WAS JUST A NUT TO HIM AND I WANTED TO BE SO MUCH DAMN MORE TO HIM...YES WE DID HAVE ENCOUNTERS AFTER THAT AND EVERY TIME I JUST FELT THOSE SAME EMOTIONS ARISE AGAIN FEELING LIKE JUST A NUT...

WE RECENTLY ADDRESSED SOME OF THOSE ISSUES THAT I WAS HAVING AND IT CAME OUT THAT HE WAS INTERESTED IN ME MORE THAN I KNEW, BUT HE SAYS I DIDNT OPEN UP TO HIM SO HE COULD GET TO KNOW ME...I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS SAYING BUT ITS BEEN DAMN 6 YEARS OF ME FEELING THE WAY I DO, AND IT'S NOT EASY TO ERASE ALL THE PAIN I PUT MYSELF THROUGH.

SO AS IT REMAINS WE CONTINUE TO REPEAT THIS CYCLE OF ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN COMMUNICATION...AND FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THAT WILL LAST.